Lost in the wilderness: when the search for identity comes up blank

Abstract

At the commencement of a research project about socio-cultural identity in language learners, the author attempted to examine and acknowledge his own identity. The method used was an autoethnographic reflection upon a number of key markers that are commonly used to denote identity such as race, class and gender. This reflexive exercise proved extremely frustrating, because the author felt uncomfortable with any of the commonly used markers of identity as labels to describe himself. Rather than helping him discover who he was, they served only to demonstrate who the author was not: not Black, not a woman, not elderly, not socially disadvantaged, and so on. This led the author to feel that he was lost in a wilderness. Upon reflecting on this seeming inability to locate his own identity, the author acknowledged that on all of these binary markers of identity, he would be on the side of the powerful and privileged, causing a feeling of embarrassment and angst. This led the author to consider other ways of exploring identity, selecting an approach based on Bakhtinian dialogism. The chapter concludes with an acknowledgement by the author that the wilderness was not a wasteland, but rather a place in which important discoveries were made about himself as a researcher which have served to guide him in the design of his research project.